This will likely be the most raw and hardest post for me to write. When I started this blog I made one decision; that I would only post when I feel God has directed me to share something. I really did not want much of "me" showing up in these but today God had something else in mind.
A week ago I was asked to give my testimony to a group of young women. I agreed and shared a story that, to be honest, I don't share much. Not because I am ashamed or afraid of the past but because God has blessed me so greatly today, why look back? The purpose of sharing with these ladies, though was to remind them that their stories can greatly impact others in a positive way. God quickly checked my own heart on this so in wanting to be obedient, here is my story:
I come from a long lineage of Christ followers and worship leaders. I grew up in a loving home where Christ was the center and my parents loved each other well. They are still married and still serving in the church today. I did not realize it then that my life was not the norm. I was greatly blessed and grew up in the church. I had a personal relationship with God at an early age and grew strong in my faith. It wasn't just my parents religion but I truly lived in faith. In fact, one of the meanings for my name is "guided by faith". I felt strong in my beliefs and in what was right and wrong. I knew that I would sin and God would forgive me but I also weighed sin. I would never, ever commit THOSE sins. You know....the big ones that tend to get judged a little heavier than the others? Because of this belief, I did not set up boundaries. They were unnecessary because I would never do THAT.
After high school I went off to attend a Bible college where I would meet a young man. We were both on the track team and became quick friends. After awhile, we became more and started dating. Here I was on a Christian campus with a Christian boyfriend. Perfect, right? Soon after we started dating we faced what most couples do, temptation. We struggled to keep the boundaries of purity and a few months into the relationship, I became pregnant.
Shame. Guilt. How could I fall into this? I was NEVER going to have sex until I was married!
I lost my track scholarship and my dreams of racing at an elite level. But I quickly shifted my focus. I was not going to be a single mother and at 19 I believed I was ready for the married life. So, at 5 months pregnant, we were married and began trying to build a life together. I naively thought this was going to be a beautiful life, unaware of the trials that comes with getting married too early, too young. It was very challenging but my faith was in God and that he would bring blessings in our marriage.
Fast forward 5 years. We had found a great church with a community that was more like family. We had also become pregnant again, owned our first home and were serving in youth ministry. We had amazing church friends that loved and supported us. On the outside, we had it all together...until one day it all came crashing down. I intercepted a text message to my husband from a woman he worked with. The words I read are permanently imprinted in my mind. I lost it...screaming, crying...how could you do this?! I never thought he would be unfaithful and even while I was pregnant?!
I asked him to leave and we separated for a time. Over the following 6 months, we sought counseling and he acted as though he wanted to restore our marriage but eventually I would find out that he was still living with the other woman, telling her one thing and me another. So, I met with a lawyer to prepare for divorce. Shame. Guilt. I was going be a divorced, single mother?! How did I get here?!
A few weeks later, my husband came over to the house without permission as was our agreement. He could not get in as I had changed the locks and an ugly fight ensued and the police were called. When they arrived, I was talking with one of the officers, in tears. I explained the situation, that we had agreed this was mine our kids home and immediately he called a judge and got a restraining order on him. My husband became so angry at the restraining order that he informed the police that he would be turning off the electricity for the house and closing out our bank account so I wouldn't be able to get any money the next day. I remember thinking, "whose life is this?!" During the whole ordeal, many of my friends from the church came over to protect me, pray for me and encourage me. I could not have imagined going through all of this alone. As the night came, I tried to sleep but I just laid in bed, praying. Why was all of this happening to me? Even through my own mistakes, I continued to pursue my relationship with God and was actively serving in the church, a good person. Why am I and my innocent children going through this? We are doing everything right. I tried my best to be a good wife and mother and gave so much of myself in both. It seemed like injustice. What was going to happen next? What would our life be like? All these thoughts and prayers kept me up.
At 11:30 pm I heard a motorcycle pull up to the house. Immediate fear resonated in my body and I thought my husband had returned. I went to the door and saw his friend instead. I opened, hesitantly and received the news. He was sorry to tell me that my husband was dead. I thought, this is how he is trying to get back at me?! By lying that he is dead. I was in complete denial until I finally spoke with the coroner. He had been driving his motorcycle on a country road at an excess of 130 mph and couldn't stop when a car pulled out in front of him. He was dead on impact.
Shock. Confusion. Anger.
THIS is how it ends?! No chance for restoration. No chance for healing. This is the end?
I remember my mother telling me that in one year's time I had gone through the top stress inducing life situations....moved to a new home, adultery, had a baby, divorce (although it wasn't filed yet) and death. In less than a year, I had lost my marriage, my husband, my kids father and our home. How did I go through all of that? I remember at one point feeling the emotional pain so greatly that I physically felt it. I understood in that moment why people selfishly commit suicide. They don't know how to make the pain stop. I didn't either...but God did. There were so many middle of the night sessions, on my knees crying out to God to take it all away. My God was right with me. EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT. When I look back over all of the painful experiences, I also see God's arms wrapped around me. He never left my side and his presence was so close to me that it felt like we were hand in hand. He used some amazing people to support me and love me and my children through it all. Those people are still very near and dear to my heart. I remember one very clear moment when God was so close. I was driving home and anxiety overcame me at the thought of coming home. I didn't know if I was going to come across my husband and some woman during the time we were separated. I heard God's voice so clearly and loudly in my heart say, "I've got you." Those three words immediately gave me peace. It was the first time I truly felt and understood God as my protective husband. I knew that no matter what attacks came my way, He would protect me.
Sometimes when I tell this story, it feels like I'm sharing someone else's story. My life if so different today. I married a wonderful man who adopted my children and loved them as his own. We had another beautiful boy and we have been attending and serving in a life giving church. My children have been raised up in God's presence and know His voice. God's faithfulness brought me and my children out of that darkness and restored joy! He redeemed all that was lost!
I could easily say that "we lived happily ever after" but that's not how life works. I was a single mother for 7 years before marrying my husband now. I had years of joy and years of sadness and loneliness. Days where I was walking out the call of God and days where I used worldly ways to feed my own selfishness. At 40 years of age, I'm still falling short in the "small" and "large" sins. But as I look over all the times I've gone through a storm, either created by my own sin or by other's sin, God was always there. Ready to comfort, protect, restore and love me through it. Through everything, I have never lost faith and always turned to God. I have always been proud that my faith has never wavered but in reality it has always been HIS faithfulness to me! Even though I still fail and fall short, He has never failed me and never will! I know my future will have sadness and joy, laughter and tears but I am not afraid. I know that HE will be there.
"For God said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.""
Hebrews 13:5
"I will sing of the Lord's unfailing love forever! Young and old will hear of your faithfulness."
Psalms 89:1
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